i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
