she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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