Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
