she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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