Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
