Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
