i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
