You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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