also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
