your parents love me but you hate me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
