i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
