I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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