How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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