Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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