I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
