I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
