theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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