I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
