so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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