So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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