the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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