Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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