Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
