My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
