peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
