Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
