Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
