I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
