Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
