You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
