I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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