Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I smell stomach acid.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
