...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
