My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My vagina is officially offended.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
