There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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