Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
