i think my tv is drunk
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
