I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
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