two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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