So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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