ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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