Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
