Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
