Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
