I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
