Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
