in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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