hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
