I wish my penis had an off switch
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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