oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
